cynicism

blah. cynical post, sorry.  I realllllllly care about you a lot. Like damn, and i'm so hurt by what's going on, but you don't even care it seems like. You tell me to be honest with you but it's hard when you're limiting me. And this whole you acting like an asshole thing..makes it even harder not to have feelings. -_-

:)

Megan: Things are complicated/exciting with guys right now.

Braian:Well good luck with whatever guy you are attempting to start a new world of adventures that we call a relationship. The most perplexing and amorous thing that the human encounters throughout it's journey to maturity and nirvana.

bahahahahha! I love you Braian<3

the strands in your eyes that color them wonderful stop me and steal my breath

Comparisons are easily done once you have had a taste of perfection
In a reallly sappy mood. weird. :)
There's a scene in American Beauty when Kevin Spacey is recalling his past where he says" I had the most fun of my life, all I did was party and get laid." He notes that this was the happiest time of his life, he allowed life to guide him, he followed the pace and didn't question it. Sometimes I think we try to force life on us, we try to force events, people, jobs, and activities on ourselves. I had an experience with this recently where I was dating this guy that I had questionable feelings for. I went with it because I thought it was the right thing to do, but in hindsight I should've ended it a lot earlier. If you think about it the best times in your life have been the unexpected ones, the times when you had no idea what was going to happen, but there was something about it that was refreshing and worth-while. For the past two weeks I've been doing a little adjusting, I've been doing whatever the hell I want, to be honest. And it's probably the best i've felt in a long time. I haven't been planning anything specifically or worrying as much i've just been moving forward. I felt like I was stuck for a while, but I get the feeling that it's all coming back. and it feels good. It's amazing how good you feel once you let go, and let life guide you, I quote an amazing man "Life will reveal answers at the pace life wishes to do so, you feel like running but life is on a stroll, this is how God does things." I noticed that we get through work, school, and most of our days. It's amazing how great you feel after a night of letting go, and just having some fun. I'm all about the poetics and beauty of life, but they're are those days when you just gotta sit back, and let life happen to you. I remember in 9th grade I had a really hard time. I never got to see my best friend, I felt alone, and I questioned my identity immensely. I thought I was going to stay in that rut forever. But then 10th grade happened, I fell in love, met new people, and had a lott of fun. But it's not like I planned it or anything, all of these things just happened. It's like watching a good movie, you go into the movie as an ecscape from life, but in the end you find it. Like all good stories, you walk into the situation as an escape from the old, but in the end you find life, you find yourself bonding with characters and finding meaning within scenes that you had never expected, and soon this story will end, and you will move into the new with a fresh perspective and motivation towards life. In the film "Stranger than fiction," When Harold finds out that he is supposed to die the professor tells him to make his life the one he's always wanted. For six years Harold lived in the same monotanous rountine everyday. In fact a lot of people live like that. Eventually life catches up with you though, you can't stay stagnant forever, life will heal you without your recognition of it happening. You know time's a funny thing...I once heard that time heals all wounds, and I think I agree, you know think about it think of the hardest time in your life, and does it still hurt? sure it does, but it has healed, new people, experiences, and conflicts are lifes way of healing you, if you're stuck right now, stranded by internal conflicts as freud would say, take a day to just party, try meeting some new people, or do something unexpected, or take a summer off and just party and get laid as Spacey would say. life has a way of working everything out.

♥Imissyou

remember the times we spent together
All those drives, we had a million questions
All about our lives
And when we got to New York everything felt right
I wish you were here with me,
Tonight

I remember the days we spent together,
were not enough, it used to feel like dreaming
Except we always woke up,
Never thought not having you here now
Would hurt so much

Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
And know the stars are
Holding you, holding you, holding you
Tonight

I remember the time you told me
About when you were eight
And all those things you said that night
That just couldn't wait
I remember the car you were last seen in
And the games we would play
All the times we spilled our coffees
And stayed out way too late

I remember the time you sat and told me
About your Jesus, and how not to look back
Even if no one believes us
When it hurts so bad, sometimes
Not having you here

I sing
Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
And know the stars are
Holding you, holding you, holding you
Tonight

Drunken Sobriety

it's funny you know..sometimes the things you want the most don't happen and what you least expect happens...... I don't know - you meet thousands of people and none of them really touch you. And then you meet one person and your life is changed...forever. I met you once,last night. The truth is, I haven't been able to get you off my mind. Maybe it was because my judgement was impaired but I really felt a connection. And it's interesting you know, being with you, I didn't feel like me. I felt like a better version of myself.Its ridiculous I know I mean who can say that about a person they just met? Because this isn't about connection for you. This isn't even about intimacy for you. This is about finding an hour or two of relief from the pain of being you. And that's fine with me, see, because all I want is the exact same thing. But in such a short time of being with you, you did a lot. It sounds cliche but you taught me how to live again..Sometimes I forget who I am or what I am capable of, "I've never known anyone who actually believe that I was enough until I met you. And then you made me believe it too. " I've only been able to say that about two people..but i'm starting to see things differently. It was veryyyyy nice meeting you,thank you, and I hope to see you again someday :-D
btwwwww:you have a really nice smile :)
sources:Love and other drugs;)

Cellar door

 

Revolution is not something fixed in ideology, nor is it something fashioned to a particular decade. It is a perpetual process embedded in the human spirit.
^ I love that quote because of how truly it speaks.. it's been shown time after time decade after decade that if you put restraints on a person or goup, they will rebel. And it doesn't matter what that thing is, people do not like being controlled it's as simple as that. Now, come on guys, you haven't been like that for around 17 years...why start now...seriously. You know how it's going to end. -__-

random things about me

1. I'm always thirsty and hungry, it's never satisfied. And it's painful.
2. I'm always paranoid that i'm sick or suffering from some form of an illness.
3. I feel really uncomfortable around 94% of people, and i'll usually note this by being extremely quiet.
4. I always feel inadequate or not good enough.
5. I never actually say what i'm thinking, only what I want you to know.
6.I spend a good majority of my life in hindsight.
7. I'm extremely sensitive about my religious beliefs and one comment can send me into doubting.
8. I have this odd fear of boring people, so I try my best to make conversation, but sometimes it fails and I get really upset.
9. My mind is never where you'd expect it to be.
10. I like guys who are really opinionated/have strong moral values.
11. I get offended really easily.
12. I'm afraid of growing up.
13. There's only one person in this world who I can fully trust.
14. I have really bad identitity issues, although I try to make it seem like I have it figured out.
15. June 11th 2008 is a really important date to me.
16. I wish I was a better writer.
17. A pet peeve of mine is when i'm on the phone with someone and they say they have to go.
18. My tummy is constantly in pain but i've learned to ignore the feeling.
19. I wish I could just leave 75% of the time.
20.Gender roles/ sexuality confuses me.
21. I love sleeping.
22. I love movies/stories more than anything.
23. I love psychology and philosophy.
24. Whenver i'm tired I get angry.
25. I'm a recluse by nature and prefer to be alone, but I always feel bad when i'm alone so i've learned to always surround myself with people.
26. I hate games.
27. I love summer
28. I'm afraid I won't get into college/have a future.
29. If i'm staring into space it means I want to be alone.
30. I love being in love.
31. I'm tired of talking about myself so I am going to end this :)

Lost in an old scene

Today I took an alternate route, a route that was familiar to me only a year ago. I remember the first day I saw you, we made eye contact across the room, Intrigued by your bright piercing green eyes I paid more attention, I saw you show a newspaper you wrote to Mrs.Lindbloom. I was so intrigued by a person of your age writing their own newspaper. And that was it, we started talking, became friends, we could talk about anything. you were so mature and incredibly more intelligent than anyone I had ever met.Blinded by your charm, wit, and intelligence I slowly fell in love with you. It ended in tragedy, but I remember how it felt to wake up in the morning, and look forward to every moment I spent with you, It broke my heart to loose you, but my love for you got me through it. Today I saw you again, it was brief but it meant a lot. You wrote your number on my hand with the hope of us reconnecting but we both know it won't happen. Gravity drew me toward you, and I 'll always believe there was a reason behind that. You showed me so much about myself, you allowed me to become the best possible version of myself, and best of all, you taught me how to love. I could never forget you, but I see us in our new lives and I can see that we've moved on, We're happy and things are back to the way they used to be. But for one year they were different, I got to feel what it was like to be in love, and the beauty that comes along with it. It was hell dealing with the pain, but you know I think there's some truth in the statement "and some of the hardest times in your life end up becoming the best." I not only learned the concept of story last year but I lived it. You left me a completely different person that when you found me, and to me that will always be enough. Today when I looked into your eyes I remember feeling so in love with you, when you were the all the reasons I am and I missed it. I was lost in an old scene and when you left i snapped back into reality. But i've learned to let go, I have some pretty amazing friends that helped me. I wrote this perhaps for some closure but also to remember, I never want to regret how you made me feel,ever. We've moved on and grew apart but that's life. Good luck to you and don't ever change, because you have the power to move and guide people through words and writing, I think that's what made me fall in love with you, our passion for words brought us together unfortunately a three word statement from myself tore us apart. I will always love you, thank you for everything, and I can't wait for you to fall in love someday.

within the lines of such chemistry

Just this past summer I had begun a bit of an experiemental stage in my life. I was drinking, smoking from time to time, and just having fun with friends. As the school year progressed the drinking became more often, about every weekend or so. I thought nothing of it I mean hey I was just having some fun. There's nothing wrong with that. It wasn't around 'till about Thanksgiving that the substances started changing. By that I mean we started doing harder stuff. Nothing too bad or anything, just smoked more, and a few other things, we even all talked about trying harder shit. Things stayed that way for around 2 months. On New Years Eve I got a huge smack in the face. Honestly, I have strict moral values. I mean i'm all for partying and having fun and all but i'm a big believer in drawing a line between fun and settling. A bunch of friends came over for news years eve, just like every year and we were drinking and having a good time when two of my straight edge friends showed up, it had been a while since I had seen them, probably around 9 months. I remember seeing how they reacted when they saw me smoking, or taking shots, I knew they were thinking this wasn't me and their right. I decided to ignore the feeling and continue on with what I was doing, the truth is I felt terrible. It's funny you never realize how you've changed until your past somehow finds a way back. When Amber left I felt like shit. She was my friend, and I made her uncomfortable. The truth is I have always been able to get this natural high out of life, and I was settling for a cheapened version of that. You have to remember that however you act you are setting the moral compass of those around you. Mine has always been north, I can fake it sometimes but it's not worth it. My brother isn't going down the right path, and I don't want him settling for this cheapened "high" when there's so much more out there. I'm not saying i'm straight edge, but im definitely starting to make some changes. Try adjusting your moral compass, or pay more attention as to which direction it's pointing, if for no other reason than you would like to help the people around you, I think you'd be surprised at the results.

Lynchburg and the sheriff

This blog entry is an excerpt of a larger project I am working on.

"It is the evening of the day I sit and watch the children play smiling faces I can see but not for me I sit and watch as tears go by ." The lyrics race through my head as I contemplate their meaning. The car is silent, as it has been for the past 45 minutes or so. I look over to Laurel. She's deeply concentrated, I wonder what she's thinking, I hope it's something nice. The night has been a bit of an unusual one. Taking off into the middle of the night, with no agenda, no plan, and no serious thought about what was going on, we headed "out along the road to no return." As I like to call it. We intended on a walk around the block who would've known that a 15 minute walk would develop into a 7 hour drive to Nelson county VA. You see the thing about Laurel, she's probably the most unusual person I have ever met,and I mean that in the absolute best of ways. We can sit in the car for total silence for hours, and then have a great conversation out of nowhere, she's the type of person where you don't have to act a certain way or say certain things because she gets you. It's an incredible trait, one I think if more people had, there would be a hell of a lot less problems in the world. We've been on the road for a couple of hours now, and so much has raced through my mind. It's nights like this that really get me thinking about the monotony in which we live. The pace of life is just so fast these days, we don't even rememeber what happened yesterday. We live in such an instantaneously gratified world. A world where we work fast, drive fast, eat fast, sleep fast, shop fast.I'd have to say i'm much more of a slower person. Most people like a fast paced, adreneline pumping life. But I like slower moments, moments that taken in retrospect reveal something about you, and the world you choose to surround yourself in. We drove out into the countryside, passing towns like Goochland, and Oilville I'm amazed about the beauty of darkness that surrounds me. As I pass each house I think about the family, I wonder what kind of issues their facing and I pray that they get through it, I wonder what their stories are and also ponder if they'll ever know mine. -to be continued-



YOU SAY YOU WANT A REVOLUTION? YEAH, WELL WE ALL WANT TO CHANGE THE WORLD.

-A little Beatles to fit the mood- :-)

The 60's counterculture fascinates me. Democracy, liberalism, and revolution fascinate me. There have been sooo many different attempts to run a government. From communism, to a free market economy. And so far Democracy works the best, and even that has it's faults unfortunately. According to a Jeffersonian Democracy(The government at which we abide) you give up some of your rights to be a part of society and help each other. In return the governemnt helps you...well is supposed to.(we obviously need to work on this haha)It's a beautiful reciprocal relationship. But the problem is people don't get along. They NEVER will. There will always be differing in beliefs, opinions, and ways of life, and there's no changing that. However, the hippies tried to deny that fact by learning to love each other through music. They believed that music will reunite everybody and set them free, it's quite beautiful actually. You know the idea that we don't need money, or cars, or materialism, or jobs to get along in society, that all we needed was love. It's a nice thought, but like most ideas, don't work in practice. The hippies eventually died out, but their cultural revolution made an ever lasting mark in American History, if nothing else we all learned that " In the end the love you take is equal to the love you make." <3

where love went wrong

I'd be lying if I said it didn't bother me. Of course it does. I get so close to people and i'm afraid of loosing them. I'm afraid of loosing that part of me as selfish as it sounds. We were such good friends, and he helped me through so much. I mean they're great together I think they'll help each other out a lot, and I wish them the best, i really sincerely do. But i'll always miss how things used to be. He annoys me now. I'm not sure why. It's probably my fault, I screwed things up. But it's okay, we're still friends,and now he seems happy, and that's all that should matter.
Things are okay with Colin now. He used to bother me a lot. But the truth is I don't really know how to be someone's girlfriend. I see couples in the hallway and in society in general, and I just can't be like that. Glued to him like some dependent parasite. I see him as an individual, and we're together to make life more enjoyable for each other. If I were to be completely honest I'd say I enjoy the intensity he brings me but not him himself whole-heartedly. It's sad but that's what I've concluded. But there are times when I do sincerely feel strongly about him. Or is that simply my hypothalamus sending out too much oxytocin..haha.. Two roads diverged in a yellow wood....do I take the one less traveled by?

coffeandcigarettes

I've missed writing. Last year I wrote all the time, I remember feeling like a different person when I put down the pen than when I first picked it up. I remember that feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction that getting my thoughts outside of my head gave me, maybe it's because I had more to say then, or maybe it's because I've gotten lazy. Nevertheless here it begins. My series of rants starts now. They say that 80 % of communication isn't verbal, I think this is because most are afraid to say how they truly feel. I know I am. So here are the words I couldn't say, the words that my body couldn't communicate to yours because the meaning was too complicated. Take everything in wth simplicity. Forgive the rough patches, this is the healing process.